OMG My Kid is Going to College

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Last fall my oldest son went to college. I’m a first timer you see. First time with a kid out of the house. Mind you this major transition for both of our co-dependent selves. It happened during the pandemic, just months after losing my Mom and after an abrupt end to his senior year. He was the Class of 2020, the class of no prom, no senior skip day, no senior breakfast, and no awards program. Therefor, a very anxiety filled graduation ceremony. But he was doing it, although there were no awards program he went on to graduate with awards, scholarships and a one-way ticket to LSU.

Is this really happening?

I, on the other hand, was slightly freaking out. Ok so I was in full panic, anxiety attack mode. Am I old enough to have a kid in college? Am I adult enough to have a kid in college? Seriously?! What are you even supposed to do? Because let me tell you, getting ready for college these days is nothing like it was for us. Student loans are different, scholarships are different, the dorm situation is different. Honestly, I looked around his dorm and I wanted to move in, it was so nice!

So, we do the whole shopping thing for his dorm. We figured out the student loans and all the processes we had to go through. This, again, was all made even harder in that everything was virtual. There was no freshman event or sitting down with an advisor and he insisted on doing everything himself, as in, without me. What is that all about?

Well, what it’s really about is me letting go. I didn’t want to let my baby leave. He wasn’t ready, was he? I wasn’t ready. I was still reeling and a zombie after losing my Mom and now he was leaving too. It was too hard to wrap my head around not seeing him every day, knowing he was safe and asking where the hell do you think you’re going. All of those things would be gone, and life would just be increasingly more…different. 

College Moving In Day Arrives

The day comes to move him in. We are all excited, he’s rooming with his best friend from junior high and they honestly love each other, so that was one check in the positive column for me. Moving in hundreds of kids during a pandemic is not the easiest feat and we had two hours to get him unloaded, unpacked and out of there. We got him all set up and then took him out for a very quiet and somewhat somber lunch. We walked around the bookstore and bought some LSU gear for everybody and then stood awkwardly around wondering what to do next. 

Saying GoodBye…

Then we realized it was time to say goodbye. I was leaving him in a strange place, full of strangers. He, on the other hand, is the kind of kid that never meets a stranger, is easy to make friends and generally just wanted to go hang around outside and look at girls. That’s a direct quote. Basically, he was letting us know it was time to go.

We hugged a lot, I cried, who’s surprised at that. He cried a little, hugged his Daddy tight and told us I love you and then he walked away and around the corner to his dorm. My husband and I just stood there for a minute until we couldn’t see him anymore. I looked up at him and tears fell down my face and he put his arm around me and squeezed me tight, told me he would be okay, and we walked, holding hands back to the truck. The hustle and bustle of shopping, packing, and moving was done. He had his books, his things, his new computer, and fancy bedding. We bought new clothes and towels and they went and bought the obligatory futon. He was on his own.

They’re off to school, now what do we do

Sending that first kid off to college is huge. Because then you come home, and something is missing and doesn’t feel right. It feels off. Empty. The little brother is lonely and moody and immediately becomes the only child and immediately moved into his brother’s room. He had zero sad feelings about moving all his crap out and moving in asap, like while we were moving the oldest into the dorm. 

It’s a transition that we don’t talk about much. When parents must pack up their kids and leave them in a new place alone when all you’ve ever done is taken care of them even at the most basic level. Eating, going to bed on time, taking a shower all of those things, they have to have the self-discipline to do and you have to hope that they remember all the things you taught them or tried too.

Our Reality of College Freshman Year

Honestly, he struggled that first year. I would love to tell you that it was a seamless and positive transition, but it wasn’t. He had COVID-19 and was ashamed to tell us, although he was asymptomatic, he was isolated and suffered with his mental health because of it. It was hard to bounce back. He lost a ton of weight, was completely stressed out because of his classes and their experience was far from the normal freshman year. Everything was virtual, they ate, slept, studied, and went to class all in their dorm room. There were no events, no parties, no student union hanging out. It was, in the simplest terms, a struggle. 

We had to put some hard rules in place during Christmas break, of talking to us daily, coming home on a regular basis and weekly updates on where he was in school. Because of those things, he was able to turn it around for the Spring semester and did much better. We all did. He had isolated himself from us and we had to pull him back and help him find his center again. We had many conversations about self-care, his future and understanding that he was in charge of his own destiny and that we supported whatever path he chose to take. 

He has now started his sophomore year, out of the dorm and rooming with his same roommate in a condo. Which gives him a sense of home and more privacy. He immediately got a job that he loves and a car and thinks he’s a real adult now. I do NOT think so, but we let him believe what he wants. 

You are not alone!

So, for all my Mama’s and Daddy’s out there moving their kid into the dorm this month. Know that I am with you in spirit. It’s okay to feel what you’re feeling. And they feel it too, they will definitely miss you and have their moments of homesickness no matter what they say. 

What I’ve learned is this:

• Do a “health check” regularly. 
• FaceTime them so you can see their face.
• Insist on seeing grades.
• CALL them, not text, so you can hear their voice. 
• Send care packages, even if they’re just an hour away, it’s a great way to give a positive boost. This is what I sent through Amazon and it was quick and easy and he and his roommate were thrilled.

The first year of college is rough whether they are moving into the dorm or staying at home. Watch them. Support them and understand that they are kind of in this free-falling state of I’m free from the ringing of the bell and free of structure. They still need a little bit of that in whatever non-clingy form you can offer it to them. Be strong my fellow parents that have somehow gotten old enough to have a kid in college. You can do it! And so can they.